What if, maybe...?

We walked out into the starry night. It was a beautiful night that followed that beautiful day. I had dreaded this moment all day. Aubrey was leaving for Russia the next day to begin missionary work at an orphanage there. We've been best friends ever since I can remember. She is more of a sister to me than a biological sister would be I think. "Eloise," she said into the silence, "I'm so thankful for our time together today." We had avoided getting too serious all day, choosing to reminisce and joke and speak of my own coming adventures instead. "Me too," I thought more than said, feeling the itch of tears tickle at my face. "I'm so excited for this next chapter in both of our lives," I said with more strength, "but I'm nervous too and worried and a little unsure." We both just gazed up at the stars. "Maybe I should be going with you. I mean, what if just living a normal life isn't enough," I continued.

Aubrey turned to look at me. "I know you are worried about me and about where you are; I've been thinking a lot about that." I waited expectantly. When Aubrey had thought about something a lot, it meant she had prayed about it. When she talked about having thought about it, it meant she had carefully pondered and prayed over the exact words she was about to say. "Maybe, I've been thinking, maybe living a life of passion and success doesn't mean a big house and nice things, maybe it doesn't mean moving half way across the world. Maybe being the best we can be, being 'enough' for God, is a lot closer to us than we imagine. What if it's taking each breath with thankfulness that we got another one? Speaking every single word with love and responsibility. Hugging our friends and family with sincerity that runs so deep it might hurt. Earning, really earning, every penny we make at our job. Working with passion at whatever we have to do so that maybe we do deserve higher payment but we finish the day content with what we have. Caring about those around us, asking them how they are and just looking at them like we mean it, because we do...." She trailed off in thought.

I knew I would never forget her words. And I knew then that our worlds would change more in the next few years than we imagined. We looked up one last time then back at each other. We hugged each other for what seemed like forever but it was still far from long enough. As she drove away, I thought I would burst into tears, but they wouldn't fall. Only a single tear fell. I imagined, dreamer that I am, that it was a falling star that fell into my heart and spilled some of the wonder of that moment. I passed Aubrey's words on to my 19 year old daughter today. She would be proud. Not of me, or of her words, but of the way God has spoken through her words to me time and again, and how He now poured into a new generation through her. I miss her, always, but thank our Father for tying our lives together for a short while on this earth and look forward to when they will be once more in eternity.

Knowledge and Wisdom

God is bringing about some incredible changes in my life as of late. He has led me to make decisions that many people do not understand. I understand that they do not understand. But I also understand that I serve a real and an amazing God. I understand that sometimes He asks us to do things that don't make sense to the world. He whispers His words to me in confirmation of these things. He speaks my friends. In the Bible, in those He has called to preach His word, in the words of godly friends, in our own thoughts without us even knowing. The beauty happens, the magic, if you will, when we hear Him. When a feeble human opens her heart to her maker and desires to hear Him. When she waits and struggles and agonizes and feels nothing. When the light breaks through the tiny break in the clouds and bursts through ever so softly. When the first light of day breaks on the edge of the horizon and grows into the full light of day. When there is a moment of peace, even when a storm sits on that same horizon, even when it is inevitable that the sun will sink again below the opposite horizon. When what C. S. Lewis said becomes real to us. "I believe in [God] as I believe the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else." 

And in those moments truth holds new meaning. I believe it is a truth that wisdom can only come from God. It is in my nature to seek knowledge. To know a lot is to be successful. Being smart enough to make money with knowledge is the measure of a person's worth. This is an unspoken idea whose shadow I have grown up under. Is this true? Some people will say yes. Some people will say, partly. Some people will say it is all ridiculous. Into this God speaks truth. "Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight" (Prov 9:9-10). And into this truth, God spoke to me. "Release to me your pursuit of knowledge, my child, so that I can give you wisdom."

I share this moment I had with my father because I believe many of us have found ourselves in pursuit of something. Pursuit of something good, but pursuit that we are not seeking alongside Christ. We hold on so tightly to things, wanting to succeed. Sometimes we need to adjust our grip or let go altogether so that we can take hold of Christ. Because with Him, those desires, those talents, those passions will see a new meaning, a new satisfaction and success. I warn you, it can hurt. For God to take control of something we may have to go through more pain than we signed up for because what we are letting Him take may be so deeply rooted in us that He is going to have to do some major surgery. To that I say, pray, read, seek. Sometimes pain is a warning that we are going in the wrong direction. Sometimes pain is a confirmation that we are right where we need to be. You must allow God to speak His truth and reveal this to you for your situation. I pray for you, right now, that whatever you are facing, whatever God wants to do in your life, you will be willing and you will be obedient. To live in His light is worth more than anything. And I mean anything.